TOTTENHAM FOR THE TITLE!

Not my words, Alan Hansen's. Yes, that's right, Hansen and his equally Spurs hating com padre Lawrenson both tipped Spurs for the title on MOTD last night. OK, I know they were taking the piss, but the urge to get carried away is gnawing at me like a plump little rat gorging on Champions League cheese. A similar performance against the Spam on Sunday and I'm going to find it difficult to avoid being as smug as Lineker was on that famous couch (good on you Gary, keep that Spurs flag flying).

I'm not really one for ratings, but here are a list of what I might call "notable observations based on my viewing of a surprisingly good quality stream"...

Hutton: Looks like a proper old fashioned right back. No poncey step overs here.

Corluka: I'm worried. I like the lad but am I the only one who thinks he's a bloody liability at centre back? Some good stuff but some other stuff that, on another day, could have had dire consequences.

Bassong: Good, if a little shaky, must be wishing for Ledley to get fit.

BAE: Bastard.

Wilson: When he plays well we win. I think it's as simple as that. Set himself apart from other DMs we've had in living memory with a superb goal and a couple of crafty backheels. Unbelievable.

Hudd: Him and Wilson look the business. Defensive enough to allow his mate to roam forward, and creative enough to pull something from nowhere when we're buggering about in the middle. Jenas, were you watching?

Keano: Hot and cold. Good assist, good goal, some good passes but why oh why oh why does he refuse to pass to JD? THAT is why this partnership doesn't work.

Defoe: Currently the best striker in the league.

You may feel that its a bit strong to have a pop at a few of them when we win 5-1 away from home. Don't mistake this for moaning - I'm over the frigging moon. All I'm saying is that it looks very much to me like there's even more to come from this lot. And that is incredible to say.

We won 5-1 and we still have another gear to move up into. Let's hope we keep our foot on the accelerator, keep the revs in the red and Mirror Signal Manoeuvre our way to glory (excuse the naffness of the car analogies, but once I started I couldn't stop).

So here we are sitting at the top of the table. It was only a week ago I was writing a list of my targets for the season - one of which can now be ticked off the list - the administering of a 5 goal drubbing. Maybe I should take a leaf out of Hansen's book and add the Premier league title to my requirements!

Wouldn't that be insane.

INFLATING THE HYPE BUBBLE

Something feels different about Tottenham this year. I've been pondering it for a couple of days now and I think I know what it is. This could possibly be the first August in as long as I can remember where [nearly] all the faces in lily white looked familiar. The usual "sell 8 players, buy 10 players" policy has been reigned in - and don't we look better for it? It appears as though we've built a team, and now we're just tweaking it here and there and actually giving them all a chance to grow together. About time too.

Dare we hope that Sunday's performance against Liverpool is a taste of things to come? Tottenham Hotspur were, to a man, magnificent. I have read a few "wasn't a great game" comments - well maybe I was more pissed than I realised because I thought it was bloody brilliant! I concede that I could have been over-excited mind you.

Despite what you saw, you may be surprised to learn that Tottenham won, not because they outplayed Liverpool, but because I managed to convince a Scouse supporting friend of mine to watch the game in his "unlucky pub". It did take me most of the morning, but I gave it 110% and eventually got my tactics spot on by ridiculing his nonsensical superstitions. He damn near got up and left at half time which brought out a world class save from the Spurs Club keeper - from there on in the result was never in doubt. Can't see him falling for it again though.

Contemplate Wilson Palacious for a moment: Back in January £14m for a player who had not long since cost Wigan £1m seemed like a questionable bit of business. I mean, we knew he was alright, but £14m? Eyebrows were raised, but is there anyone out there now who thinks he's worth a penny less than double that? On his day the boy is immense, even off his day he's better than most. My only remaining worry for this season is that we have yet to secure the services of an understudy. Two weeks and counting...

BAE, wondergoal and all, continues to inexplicably annoy me. Maybe I need to just let it go. Bassong was superb, playing alongside the miracle of modern science that is King Ledders will show him what being a proper centre half is all about. Looking forward to seeing him alongside Corluka tomorrow as no doubt Ledley will be given the night off.

Anyway, it's not worth going through the team man-by-man, my rating for each of them: Triffic.

Wouldn't be right to get out moan free, so here are two very, very minor ones.

1. Defoe and Keane. They played well enough, but were they a partnership?
   
2. The Beanpole. Cue longballs from defence - even when not being pressed. God help us if that happens constantly when he gets a full 90.

Three points tomorrow would put us in dreamland. Looks doable on paper but Hull, despite being widely tipped to go down, are no mugs at home. I think we'll see Hutton so that Charlie can move into the middle. I'd love to see Pav up front with Defoe - even if it's just to prove that Keane isn't undroppable. Apart from that, more of the same please.

Talk of the top 4 is still a bit premature, but if we do have any pretensions on breaking it then away days at Hull are exactly the sort of game we need to be winning. Confidence is up, we're playing well, I think we'll do it - 6 points from 2 games all sounds rather nice.

Follow that with a result against the Spammers on Sunday and the hype machine is going to explode...

SPURS TORTURE FANS

I sometimes wonder why some people even bother to follow football. For these eternal pessimists to have settled on Spurs as their team baffles me even more - are they glutton for punishment, or is it chicken and egg?

We're still a week away from the big kick off and already I've read all sorts of online tripe:

• Crouch is shit
• Bassong is shit
• Levy is a muppet
• The squad is shit
• When are we selling Jenas
• Too many right backs
• No left winger
• Keane is a git
• Shouldn't have sold Bent
• The kit makes me puke

Culminating in some miserable bastard writing this uplifting piece for TopSpurs - a site that I'm not sure has ever run a positive Spurs story.

I have a mate I play golf with who is forever duffing the ball 3 yards or slicing it into the trees. It makes him so angry that by the 12th hole he's throwing his clubs around, banging them into the ground, effing and blinding and generally getting the right hump. But there he is, week in week out on the 1st and ready to go.

My question to him is "Why bother?". My question to the habitually moaning Spurs fan is the same. Of course everyone is entitled to the occasional gripe, the odd player who they don't rate, the bemoaning of a lack of effort. I'm as guilty as the next man. But come on people, you've got to see the glass as half full sometimes! I think we've had a good summer, we've won some pointless Asian Trinket and signed some pretty bloody decent players. No, none of them are the next Kaka, but they're pretty bloody decent all the same.

Anyway, I don't support Spurs because I expect them to win the league, bring home silverware every year, play in the Champions League or even win on a regular basis. In fact, now I've written that I'm not sure why I do support them, but goddammit I love this club!

For me we are positioned perfectly to take the pain with the pleasure. Big enough to attract players you've heard of, but not quite attractive enough for world superstars. Talented enough to play Chelsea off the park one day, but slack enough to lose to Burnley the next. It's a rollercoaster ride that fuels optimism, and whether you realise it or not, optimism is what keeps us coming back for more.

I saw something on the box a while ago that suggested if you were in the business of kidnapping and torturing people, the single most effective way of controlling them is to give them hope. Apparently in such situations the victim will do just about whatever you want just so long as you can maintain the fiction that their ordeal will soon be over.

I know how they feel.

Tottenham have been feeding us hope for as long as I can remember. Over time I, like many of you, have come to terms with this. Hold the front page: Tottenham aren't going to win the league. So what? If that bothered me I'd go support someone who will - and what a disgusting little sheep that would make me.

No comrades, the glory we crave comes these days only with some very dubious, oily strings attached, and the puppet master needs to be able to measure his worth by the billion, nothing less. A fact that Man City and Newcastle between them will undoubtedly prove to us all.

This begs the question, what tangible targets would I like to see us achieve this year? I guess that comes down to what, come next May, is going to have given me that warm "I love the Tottenham" feeling. Some ideas:

1. Beating the Woolwich Wanderers - ideally at theirs
2. Battering someone 5-0 - even if it is Birmingham
3. Mugging any of the Big 4 with a last minute winner
4. Finishing above the Spammers - because it annoys them
5. Seeing one of the kids 'make it'

League-wise, finishing in the top 10 is the bare minimum, top 8 acceptable if disappointing, top 6 good, top 4 would be great and a trip to Wembley would be a Brucey Bonus... but now I've slipped back into torturer mode.

Pass me the waterboard.